The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
First, I want to start with the good news.
The Good: Yesterday, while walking home from the library, I noticed that a Pita Pit just opened about two blocks from my apartment. I haven’t had a hummus pita from Pita Pit in about 2 years, and I can’t WAIT to try it out.
The Bad: During my run on Sunday night, the arch of my right foot started to hurt. I finished off the run, but decided to take a rest day on Monday to give my foot a break. Well, by Monday afternoon my foot felt fine, so I bought arch support inserts for my sneakers and decided to do a double workout on Tuesday: an easy two-mile run in the morning, followed by my usual Triple Training class in the afternoon. Just after I hit the one-mile mark on my Tuesday run, my foot started to hurt again, and by Triple Training, I realized I had no business trying to exercise on this foot. I didn’t want it to get worse!! Add that to a massive pulled muscle in my back that occurred on Wednesday night (no idea how that one happened…all of a sudden I just couldn’t move) and I haven’t been able to work out since Tuesday, and won’t be able to start again until next Wednesday. This girl is NOT a happy camper.
The Ugly Honest: This is my blog, and I realized that the only way that it is going to be at all therapeutic for me is if I tell the truth when I write in it. So, I will warn all of you: this is not going to be happy or upbeat or pretty, but it is going to be the truth, and I need to let it out.
I have not had a good week. You may have noticed that I’ve been missing for a few days- it’s mostly because I’ve been too ashamed to come back and post what happened. I was so down in the dumps about my foot and back that I lost all self-control on Wednesday night. I honestly can’t show you pictures of what I ate because I don’t remember all of it- that’s how bad it was. When I binge, my mind and body are in two different places. There is a switch that flips, and even though my brain is saying, you don’t want to eat this. It doesn’t even taste good and you’re not even the slightest bit hungry, my body won’t let me stop eating. Hand to mouth, hand to mouth. Until I am past the bursting point.
I no longer let myself purge after I binge, so I spent three days like this: eating until nausea, then lying uncomfortably on my bed, waiting for the feeling to pass. I haven’t had a relapse this bad in about three months. It’s like everything that has happened since then all piled up and came pouring out this weekend- and I took it out on my food. But I am sick of being like this. I refuse to lose another day to this eating disorder. So today, I am back on the bandwagon. And I am back to my blog. I am committing myself to getting better completely. This was a step back, but I’m ready to take a couple leaps forward.
I will be back soon- Rob at Kardea Nutrition was nice enough to send my some bars to sample, so I will be writing reviews soon!!
October 4, 2008 at 6:50 pm
the good: yay!
the bad: boo! i hope your foot gets better really soon!
the ugly => the honest: thank you so much for having the courage to share this part with us. it’s so hard to write about a binge. first to even form the feelings and actions into words and then to actually share something so completely “shameful.” i know, because i too suffer from these episodes every now and again and very few times have i been open about it. you are certainly a more admirable person than i. i have never purged but i know how discouraging it can be to get back into binge-mode after eating healthfully for such a long period of time. (3 months, great job!) i’m not sure if disorders like this ever go away but talking about it with others and making decisions for yourself and your body can definitely help make it easier. you can do this, you can beat this! and if you ever need a little reassurance, i, along with many other wonderful bloggers are here for support. we believe in you
October 4, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Hooray for Pita Pit!!
Eek, I’m praying that you heal soon; and PLEEEEASE stay strong!!! You are capable of conquering the evil, and we’re here in the blogging world to support you!!
October 4, 2008 at 11:28 pm
THE UGLY => THE BEAUTIFUL R0LEM0DEL.
Y0U are amazing for posting this. The courage, the strength, and the TRUST you have in BOTH your readers and YOURSELF is absolutely marvelous. You trust yourself to be strong and to fight. You trusted yourself to let YOU BE YOU, and not your illness… YOU FOUGHT IT IN THAT MOMENT YOU DECIDED, “I am not letting myself purge anymore”… NO. NO. NO. In that moment, you healed yourself. In that moment you allowed yourself to heal. In my opinion, Healing is the HARDEST PART OF ALL. It is the unknown. But you have tackled the most difficult part, LittleEngine of ours! Daaaang, Lil Ma. You’re kickass
I’m SO proud of you and I am SO happy that you decided to allow yourself to be free and allow your blog to BE ALL IT CAN BE AND SHOULD BE AND NEEDS TO BE FOR YOU. This blog is NOT for us (Though we absolutely adore it)… It is FOR YOU and we are here, whether this blog is or not, FOR YOU, as well. 100% FOR YOU. And don’t worry, we’ll never E.V.E.R. think you are anything less than simply Amazing. We will never judge. We will never turn away. And we will NEVER stop cheering that cute littleenginetush ON! Love you girl!
October 5, 2008 at 10:02 am
I am so glad that you came back, and had the courage to be so completely honest on your blog. Just know that we are all here for you, and little slip-ups are just a part of life, everyone has them. BRAVO for standing up to your ED, I know how hard it can be, but I am so so proud of you for getting through a rough couple of days, and for not purging. GOOD JOB! It seems like you’ve definitely come through it with a strong mindset, just stand your ground and tell that ED to BACK OFF!
So leap forward girl, and remember I am so here for you!! Have a wonderful Sunday
October 5, 2008 at 10:12 am
This was a really honest post and I appreciate that. I really think that one of the best things about blogs like this is that you’re showing another girl in your same boat that she is not alone. I wish you the best!